dickfiguresfandomcom-20200223-history
Dick Figures: The Movie/Transcript
This is the full transcript for Dick Figures: The Movie. NOTE: ANY TRANSCRIPT RELEASED PRIOR TO THE OFFICIAL YOUTUBE RELEASE OF THE CHAPTER WILL BE REMOVED. 'Chapter 1' (the film starts off zooming up in outer space) Disembodied voice: This is a story about Stick Figures. Who live in a world full of monsters and explosions and....... Raccoons and a lot of other cool stuff too. And it all takes place on a little planet we like to call... (shows Saturn) Earth. (zooms to Earth) There it is. (A red asteroid-like object descends toward it.) (Camera moves from the sky to a elementary school.) (Then a bus appears, with Mr. Dingleberry being the driver.) (The characters of the series come out of the bus, one by one as kids.) Jason (Trollz0r): First! (The Auto-Tuned Bee flies out along with him.) Lord Tourettes: Who the FUCK cares! (giggles) Raccoon: I can't wait for runch! ("Lunch" in his accent) Stacy: (walks out swaying side to side as she walks with Pink following her) Oh my Gawd, you think there are gonna be boys at this school or what? Pink: Eww. Boys have cooties! (Blue stops at the bus door looking nervous and lonely. The rest of the group heads for school just as Pink looks back at Blue and smiles.) Mr. Dingleberry: Adios, assholes! I'm late for a rave! (He then takes out his pill container and swallows 2 pills. He then speeds off, almost driving off with Blue.) ''Yeah! ''(Blue shrugs and heads to school.) Mr. Dingleberry: (off-screen) ''Oh no! Not the explosion factory! ''(There is a firey explosion behind Blue as he walks unphased by what happened, but then he falls head first in a mud puddle. Pink giggles and walks off as Blue recovers from the fall.) Broseph: (standing by the school sign mocking Blue) Ah ha ha ha. Where'd you learn to walk? Cripple school? (claps his hand) Nice! (walks off) (Blue starts walking among the kids.) Raccoon: If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands. (He and a girl clap. The girl then pets him.) (As Blue is walking, there is a sign saying: Play Nice At Recess!) Stacy: (downing a pixie stick next to Pink.) Hey bitch, want a pixie stick? Pink: My mom says those turn you into a whore. Stacy: Probably!! (She continues eating her pixie stick.) Lord Tourettes: ''(runs up to Blue) Oh hello Blue! '''Blue: '''Hey Lord Tourettes. '''Lord Tourettes': Ahaa! First day of class? Blue: (timidly) Yeah... (They past the Fat Ugly Girl, who is jumping rope and is actually skinny.) '' ' Lord Tourettes': SPLENDID!! Mine as well! Say, there's a young '''JERKFACE' looking for you! (Blue expression changes, kind of scared) Says he wants to beat your BUTT until you die. Ha! Ta-ta. (giggles off leaving Blue, worried) Blue:'' (heads to the playground to sit on the see saw)'' Whee... (sighs) Broseph: (leans on the see saw near Blue) Sup, brah. You new here or what? Blue: (Looks uneasy) Uh, yeah... First day! Broseph: (walks up the see saw to the other side to lift Blue up in the air) Must be, 'cause otherwise YOU'd know that the see saw is for fifth graders. Blue: (starts panicking) Sorry. I didn't know. (other kids crowd around Blue from the ground) Broseph: Yeah? Price for playing on the fifth-grade playground, is your milk money. (The other kids pull Blue down and hold him to the see saw as he struggles free, lifting Broseph into the air as lightning strikes in the background.) Blue: But, I'm lactose-intolerant! Broseph: Really? Well, lets see if you're fist-tose intolerant! (The kids start to beat up Blue and he starts to cry.) Broseph: What's the matter, blue kid? Blue: My mom says that I drink too much water and that's how come I cry so much... and pee! (shows a yellow puddle under Blue) Random kid: Gross! (they continue to beat Blue.) Broseph: (as a few other kids, including Stacy & Pink, start to notice what is going on.) You know that I got held back five years? But my muscles didn't. Uhh! (Flexes. The Kids continue to beat Blue.) ''♪Old McDonald had a farm, now you're gonna ''die, nerd! Blue: Noooo!! (the bullies punches his face even more) Broseph: (while staring down'' at Blue's agony and then notices something'') Huh? (A red light begins to brighten up the sky.) Kids: Whoa. What is that? (Pink shields her eyes a little) Lord Tourettes: Look! It's an ASS''-'teroid!! '''Broseph': No. No! Nooo... (starts to panic as it speeds right toward him and blows him up. As the fumes of the asteroid settles, Blue recovers first and walk over to the crater. Amusingly, it shows the skull of Broseph with his hair as a part of his skull. A red foot stomps it to pieces and then show the person to be Red as a kid with his hat facing the front.) Red: Sup. Blue: (sees Red in amazement and suprise) ''Huuuhh?! '''Stacy': Oh my God! Who's that? Forest green bully: It's a new kid! Get him! (The bullies start to charge in as Red flips his hat to the back and the fight begins. Red first jumps into the air and points at the kids, angrily, as lighting is being struck behid him.) (He goes back down and beats up 6 kids, inside the crater. He then jumps to the other side, shown in slow motion, and kicks 2 more kids. He beats up 5 more of them and he then grabs one, jumps into the air and throws the kid to the ground, creating an ''explosion and defeating all the kids inside the crater.) '' (Red then runs towards a kid and jump kicks him into a circular climbing frame. Red goes to the top of it, punches 7 kids that were trying to get to him and then, he jumps and punches the climbing frame, making it fall and crash, as some kids also fall with it.) '' ''(Red then runs to a teether ball attached to a pole. He punches the ball, making fall all the kids that were around him and starts beating up 5 kids with it. He then hungs a kid to the rope and Red proceeds to get inside the slide.) '' ''(5 kids gets inside it by going to the top, but Red knocks them out one by one inside it and beats up more of them when he gets out. As he gets to a small playground bridge, 6 kids with baseball bats start surrounding him and makes him unable to escape.) '' ''(Red beats them using their own bats (One kid does the Wilhem scream when he gets knock out the bridge) and then jumps high to throw the baseball bat at the bridge, breaking it in 2. When Red gets down, the kids gang piles up on him, seeying a close up on his face, as he is being punched by the kids and unable to move. Red finally decides to use all his strength to throw every kid by standing up, ending the fight.) (Some kids landed a few yards away, one landed in a tree) Stacy: Oh my God! You're sooo sexy! (Pink then pulls her away.) Red: I know. Blue: Dude, you saved my life!! Red: I know! Blue: What's your name? Red: I know! Uh, I mean, I'm Red. Blue: My name is Blue, and no matter what happens, I promise, I will always be your friend! Red: I know. 'Cuz I'm Awesome!(As Red & Blue high five, the screen turns white and shows Blue opening his lunch box but finds it empty, he looks over at Red eating his sandwhich while staring at girls. It then shows Red picking players for dodgeball and points to Blue but is actually pointing to a Blue look-alike with black sunglasses. Then it shows Red & Blue in class. Red looks over at Blue's work and writes it down as Blue looks at Red, angry. Lord Tourettes raises his hand at the teacher and then swears by accident. The teacher orders Lord Tourettes to sit outside and she gives Red & Blue test sheets showing their grades. They both get an F and Red slaps Blue.) (It then shows Red & Blue starting middle school. (Broseph can be seen impressing Pink) It then cuts to a middle school dance with Blue feeling alone while Red and others (including the Blue look-alike) dancing with each other. It then cuts to Red & Blue holding sheets with test grades. Blue gets an A while Red gets an F and slaps Blue again.) (It then cuts to Blue showing his braces while Red shows off his golden teeth. It cuts to Red & Blue in high school about to high five but Red ends up following three girls. It cuts to Red, Blue, Pink, Lord Tourettes and Broseph starting college while Stacy heads to Med School. It cuts to Red dancing with girls while Blue studies his tests. It cuts to Red & Blue in class while Red is asleep, Red & Blue recieve their grades and Red slaps Blue in his sleep. It then shows the characters wearing college hats holding their grades and throwing their hats in the air (including Red & Lord Tourettes' hats). 'Chapter 2' (shows a 2D Platforming game on TV with a Gelato Bete type character) Gelato Bete: 'Gelato! ''(Gelato jumps off a cliff) 'Gelato Bete: '''Mama mia! ''(shows a huge mess and zooms to show Red drinking his can and burping. He laughs and wipes his mouth with a T-Shirt. It cuts to Blue's desk in Blue's room as the camera zooms to the left) '''Pink: ''(off-screen) Come on Blue, please? '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''I'm not gonna tell you. '''Pink: '(off-screen) ''Please, please, please? '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''No way! I got you the greatest birthday present of all time. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise. ''(shows Blue & Pink lying on Blue's bed) Pink: ''(laughs) You're such a jerk! ''(punches Blue's arm) '''Blue: '''Ah! Oh my god! Oww. '''Pink:'' 'Wow. You're a jerk ''and ''a wuss. '''Blue: '''No?! ''(groans in pain) 'Pink: '''Alright you pussy. I gotta go to work. ''(gets off Blue's bed) (cuts back to Red playing his game) '''Pink: ''(off-screen) See you later, Blue! I'll call you tonight. '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''Okay smoochie poo-poo pie. '''Pink: '(walks in from the left) ''I can't wait to see what you get me for my birthday. '''Red: '''Hey, toots! '''Pink: '''Go to hell, Red. ''(walks away) '' '''Red: '''Okay, see you there! ''(the Gelato on the game falls of the cliff again and appears again) Gelato Bene: '''Gelato! '''Blue: ''(walks in) Dude, this place is a dump! '''Red: '''You know where there is a dump? Your bed. ''(laughs) Blue: 'God damn it dude, not again. Use the toilet! ''(Blue grabs a sheet from his door when suddenly Mr. Dingleberry opens it) 'Blue: '''Mr. Dingleberry! '''Mr. Dingleberry: '''You haven't payed rent in 8 months! '''Blue: '''Oh my god, you're right. Hey, let me get my checkbook. ''(shuts door and walks away) '''Mr. Dingleberry: ''(off-screen) Okay. I'll just wait right here. ''(The 8-bit Gelato jumps off the cliff again) Gelato: 'Gelato! ''(dodges the enemy only to fall again) Oww! Again! (Blue opens the fridge) '''Blue: ''(sighs) Expired, expired, roten, poison, ''(cuts back to Red in the living room. Blue walks in) Blue: 'Dude, you've been playing that first level for 3 hours, can you really not make that jump? '''Red: '''Psh! I can make it. Just HATE that little guy! ''(The Gelato on the game falls into fire) '''Gelato: '''MAMA MIAA!!! '''Blue: ''(takes controller) Move over. I got a degree in advanced joystick theory and I ain't afraid to use it. '''Red: '''Yeah, I heard you practicing last night. ''(cuts to Red listening to Blue in his room outside his door) Blue: ''(fapping sound) Uh, Olivia! Oh Munn! ''(cuts to Blue who looks like he's masturbating at his computer) ''You do it for me everytime! ''(pulls up knits) ''There! Done with the hand crocheted towel of Olivia Munn! Time to jack off. ''(cuts back to Red & Blue) Blue: 'Let me show you how the shit's done, son! ''(power goes out) '''Red: '''THE FUCK?! Who took the lights?! '''Blue: '''I mean we haven't payed the electricity bill in 7 months. '''Red: '''We ''pay ''for electricity? '''Blue: ''You'' don't! I '''do! '''Red: ''(gasps) Wait! ''(jumps off-screen) ''All of our food's gonna go bad! '''Blue: '''All of our food '''IS '''bad! ''(Red rushes to the fridge and eats the food) Red: '''Can't let. ''(eats turkey) ''Precious food. ''(eats rest of turkey) ''Go to waste! '''Blue: '''Dude you know that's all expired. '''Red: ''(coughs) I DON'T CARE! ''(laughs) Blue: '''Oh god, not the milk. '''Red: ''(drinks milk) I'll keep you safe in my belly cow juice! ''(spits out a little bit of milk) I think I'm gonna vom... Blue: ''(worries) Hey listen. I- I got a big problem. I totally just lied to Pink. '''Red: '''EEEGS! ''(eats eggs) Blue: '''Her birthday's next week and I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything! '''Red: ''(gowns down mayanase jar) Give her this mayonnaise jar. Aaaaaahh.... '''Blue: '''No. Come on, you know what girls like right? What should I get her? '''Red: '''Hey you should go see The Racc- ''(vomits) Blue: 'See who? '''Red: '''The Raccoo- ''(vomits) '''Blue: '''What are you trying to say!? '''Red: I can only say so many words before I- (vomits) (cuts to Red & Blue at Ancient Secrets 'N' Things) Red: '''The Raccoon! '''Blue: '''Ooooh... '''Red: He's got the coolest stuff. (Red & Blue walk in the store and shows many things on sale, including the statue of Kitty Amazing) Blue: '''Eesh. I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop. '''Red: ''(gasps) You should get her this cool hat! ''(picks up a Bear Trap) Blue: 'Yeah, try it on. ''(Blue walks up to the Raccoon) 'Raccoon: '''So, you want a gift for your gir''r''friend, ehhh? '''Blue: '''Whoa. How'd you know? '''Raccoon: '''You talk-a very ''r''oud. ''(pain noises are heard) '''Red: ''(off-screen) Fits perfect! ' Raccoon: DID YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING BEAR TRAP!? '''Red: ''(walks on-screen with a bear trap on his head while bleeding) No. Idiot. '''Blue: '''Um, So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time and, I wanna get her something super romantic. '''Raccoon: '(pulls out a map) ''I've got-a the perfect gift for you. But first, a story. ''(Red & Blue groan) Red: '''No! Old people stories! '''Raccoon: '''A ''r''ong time ago, in ancient Japan. ''(camera zooms in on map and shows a shadow in front of a villiage) ''My country was at war. My small vi''rr''age was all that was ''r''eft. ''(shows The Raccoon with another raccoon wearing a bow) ''Knowing I may die in battle. I gave my wife our symbol of undying ''r''ove, a ''R''otus F''r''ower. Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, The Great Sword of Destiny, ''r''eft to confront my fate. ''(shows a giant octopus behind Raccoon's villiage) ''But the mighty beast Ocho Muerte emerged from the sea and-a took my wife! ''(Ocho Muerte grabs Mama-san and eats her as she drops her Lotus Flower) ''I was too ''r''ate! In my rage, I fought the Takagami Demon Army ''(screen turns black as blood splatters across the screen) ''And s''r''ew ten hundred thousand hundred warriors! Honorab''r''y, ''(shows Raccoon fighting Lord Takagami) ''all that remained was-a ''R''ord Takagami himself. Though he shattered the b''r''ade and scattered it through the wind. As he ''r''ay dying, he said to me. '''Lord Takagami: '''Fuck you! '''Raccoon: ''(raises middle finger) He was a douchebag. '''Lord Takagami: '''You may have won the battle Raccoon, but the ghosts of my warriors will haunt The Great Sword of Destiny, FOREVER! '''Raccoon: '''And with-a that he died, but his curse remains, guarding the sword against any who seek to use it's great power again. But the power of the b''r''ade was-a too strong even-a for me. ''(Raccoon peeks to find Japan on fire) ''And in the fury of battre, I found I destroyed not only the Takagami Demon Army, but all of Japan! ''(shows another raccoon pointing to Raccoon) ''Dishonered, my kinsmen banished me from my home! ''(shows Raccoon on a row boat going into the sunset) ''Never again, to return. ''(cuts back to the shop and Raccoon is asleep, Red bangs on a gong to wake him back up) Raccoon: 'Oh! Sorry. I was-a bored my own story. '''Red: '''Wait, so where's the sword? '''Raccoon: '''There is on''r''y one ''r''eft a''r''ive who knows where it is. '''Red: '''Who? '''Blue: '''Hold up. Why the hell would I get Pink a sword? This is retarded! '''Raccoon: '''NO! Bring me the sword and in return, I shall give you the greatest gift a girl-- NO! A woman-- NO! A goddess could ever hope to recieve. '''Red: '''Is it, my dick? '''Raccoon: '''Yes. '''Red: '''Really? '''Raccoon: '''No. ''(laughs) ''You very gu''rr''ible. '''Blue: '''Well, who even knows where it still is? '''Raccoon: '''You must-a find the man who considers me his greatest enemy. ''(zooms on Raccoon) ''My son, Son-san! ''(Blue picks up the map and looks at the Ninja Sushi resteraunt in Japan. He places the map down) 'Blue: '''Nope, you're weird. I'm just gonna go buy her some flowers. ''(walks off-screen) '''Red: ''(grabs the map and looks at it) Shit, I'll find that sword! This sounds awesome! '''Blue: '''What? Really? '''Red: '''Yeah, man! It's a ten-thousand year-old sword, hidden in Japan, guarded by demon ninjas?! That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of! '''Blue: '''Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed going after that thing. '''Red: '''Maybe...but at least I'm not a goddamn pussy! '''Blue: '''I'm not a pussy! '''Raccoon: '''You ARE a pussy, with a capito''r ''vagina! I told you about the b''r''ade cause I thought you would have the courage to do something...extraordinary! '''Red: '''Yeah right, all he does all day is sit in his room playing with his joystick. He'd TOTALLY get killed. ''(Blue looks down looking insulted) Red: '''Have fun stayin' home man! I'll send you a postcard! '''Raccoon: ''(sighs) This was-a mistake. On''r''y a true hero could find The Great Sword of Destiny. But I can see now. it is not you. ''(Blue continues thinking about Pink's birthday when he snaps) Blue: 'Your wrong! '''Raccoon: '''Ohh? '''Blue: '''Yeah! I'm gonna fight the shit out of that sword! '''Raccoon: '''It's going to be very dangerous. '''Blue: '''Good! Pussies hate danger! And I'm NOT a pussy! ''(walks off-screen as Raccoon nods at him. Blue takes the map from Red) ''Give me that! '''Red: '''Oh-ho yeah! Time to get our quest on! Whoo! 'Chapter 3 (cuts to the docks as Red & Blue hide behind boxes) '' '''Blue: '''Okay, maybe I was wrong. This is pretty scary. '''Red: '''Seriously!? You wanna get Pink a sick present or not? '''Blue: '''Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's go. '''Red: '''Oh yeah! Follow my lead! ''(they run off and hide behind more boxes where guards stand) ''Oh crap! There's guards! '''Blue: '''What do we do? '''Red: '''Cartwheel. '''Blue: '''Cartwheel? ''(Red performs a cartwheel but falls and quickly hides behind the crates) Guard 1: ''(shines light at boxes) Holy shit! Did you see that? '''Guard 2: '''No, not really. '''Guard 1: '''Me neither. '''Blue: '''Phew. '''Guard 1: '(recognizes Blue) ''Hey you! Hiding behind those crates! '''Red: '''Cartwheel dude! ''(Blue performs a cartwheel and runs away with Red) Guard 1: '''Huh, wha? Where'd he go? '''Guard 2: ''(dismayed) Damn cartwheels! Every time! ''(Guard 1 throws down his hat ''on the ground 'and Guard 2 breaks his flashlight in half in anger)'' (We see Red and Blue hiding on top of a rectangular crate filled with garbage) 'Red: '''Whew! See? How would you have any fun without me? '''Blue: '''Reading is fun. '''Red: '''Your mom's fun! ''(Laughs) '' ''(Blue looks at Red with an annoyed look) 'Red: '''Now let's find ourselves a boat! ''(Red grabs a can and uses it as a telescope. He spots a boat filled with weapons) '''Red: ''(gasps)' ''How 'bout this one? (A seal appears near the boat as it loads a very large and powerful gun and shoots the seal) Red: ''(quietly) It's perfect. '''Blue: '''Dude, let's just get on that one! ''(shows another boat known as Booze Cruise with people dancing on it) Red: 'No way, have you seen how awesome this thing is?! The guns have guns! ''(showing the other boat, more guns load) '''Blue: '''This one's got boobs and beer! ''(Red runs off-screen) ''Red? '''Red: ''(off-screen) BOOBS AND BEER! '''Blue: '''I'm gonna regret this. ''(Red & Blue approach the boat but are stopped by Broseph) Broseph: 'Halt bra! This booze cruise is for college house dudes, and dudettes, ONLY! ''(recognises Red) ''Whoa! Holy Shit! Your that Freshman 15 dude, dude! Didn't you like nail 15 freshman chicks in like one night? ''(suddenly cuts to the Freshman 15 episode being watched on YouTube) '''Girl: (runs off-screen) Naked party! Red: (runs off after the girl) Here we go! Whoo! First! (A count down begins as Red starts to have sex with the girl. It goes to '''1', then more girls appear as the counter goes to 4'. While Red is doing the four freshmen girls, we see their Bra's flying on Blue's head) '''Red: Oh shit that's like four! Blue: (starts to walk off) Fuck my life! (cuts back to Red, Blue & Broseph) Red: 'Oh yeah, that was back in my college years, Can't believe it was only fiftheen. '''Broseph: '''Yes bro, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro. Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side, watch out for Neptune. ''(shows Trollz0r dancing near Neptune. He stabs Trollz0r as he makes a crazed angry rage face) 'Trollz0r: '''Party Foul! ''(falls and dies) '''Red: '''Whoo! ''(runs on the boat) ''Titties here I come! '''Blue: '''Oh wow, that was way easy! '''Broseph: '''Halt, brah! This party train's sailing for Port Cool so consider yourself the third wheel. '''Blue: '''Wait, but I thought we were cool? '''Broseph: ''(hands Blue his drink and list) You thought thinkin' was cool? Dude? ''(The small bridge suddenly lifts Broseph up and onto the boat while Blue angrily drops the list and the drink) '''Blue: '''What the hell!? '''Red: '''Sorry dude! Should of banged more Freshman chicks! '''Blue: '''How the fuck am I going to get to Japan!? '''Red: '''Take your cart stupid! Category:Movie preview